The Biological Line

The Scripture

Psalm 27:10

“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.”

The Question

Have you ever struggled to be honest about a wound because you didn’t want to seem ungrateful?

I have.

For years, when it came to my biological father, I focused on the silver lining.

I reminded myself that it could have been worse.

I reminded myself that I had a father in my life.

A good one.

A father who was there every day and who continues to be there. I call him my Joseph.

And because of that, I never wanted my grief to overshadow my gratitude.

But who am I kidding?

The absence of my biological father deeply altered the course of my life.

It changed how I viewed myself, my place, my purpose, and my relationships with both men and women.

As cliché as it sounds, I had daddy issues.

The Reflection

Of course this is clearer to me in retrospect but while I was in it I would lean on the impact it had on me not knowing my culture.  You see my biological father is Mexican and my mother is Black. 

And while not knowing my rich culture did and still does impact my life.  Not having my dad is the root of even that.

Even in this moment it is hard for me to articulate the impact.  Not because I am unaware but because I do not want to seem ungrateful

Ungrateful because I know it could have been worse.

Because I did have a father in my life, who was there every day, who continues to be there.  I call him my Joseph and I never wanted my grief to overshadow my gratitude.

But my Father told me my father would understand.  That it wouldn’t make him love me any less.  That I never had to earn his love in the first place.  That when he chose my mother he chose me too.

Which brings me to my first branch of the biological line.  I was only chosen or rejected because of another woman - and the first one was my mother.

When my mother chose to leave my biological dad I wasn’t enough any more.  When she left him I lost a dad.  

The Shift

As a result I lived a life that reflected my inner dialogue.  One that told me a man would never choose just me.  That I alone could not satisfy the role of a wife alone.  I needed help or better yet I was the help.  I consistently found myself behaving as a sidepiece, as the other woman. 

While all along longing to be the only one, the chosen one.

Because I believed the lie that I could never be a man's first choice, my spiritual radar was completely blind. I was highly susceptible to predatory men in positions of trust—men who belonged to other people—because my internal script told me that a 'fraction' of a man was all I was worth. I normalized sharing what should have been sacred.

The Prayer

Father,

Search my heart and reveal every lie I have believed about my worth.

Show me where old wounds have shaped my expectations.

Teach me to receive Your love as a daughter.

Help me to see myself the way You see me.

And remind me that my value was never determined by who stayed or who left.

Amen.

Reflection

What story have you been telling yourself about your worth, and does it agree with what God says about you?